Dieting Tips

Here is perhaps the most crucial tip for folks who are following every cockamamie diet plan they hear of and still can't lose weight:

Stop cramming shit in your face!

As long as you keep cramming everything you see into your mouth it will keep adding inches to your belly, chin and ass.

Dumb ass.

There. Now you can't say you haven't been told.

Snappy answers to stupid questions

Why are you so quiet?

I'm listening to the voices in my head.

Somebody has to be.

I'm studying to be a mime.

Smile!

Why?

I can't. Tragic Botox incident.

I will when you go away.

Why are you always so serious?

I'm only serious on the outside. I'm partying on the inside.

Always? Have you been stalking me?

Because the universe is expanding, and if it's expanding, someday it will break apart and that would be the end of everything!

Are you mad?

No, just eccentric.

Why, what have you done?

Not yet.

Do you hate people?

Not all people.

Only people who ask me that question.

No, they're delicious with a nice Chianti. (Thanks Hannibal Lecter.)

Are you a snob?

No, I'm a slob. That must have been a typo.

Of course not. I'm here, aren't I?

No, I pride myself on my low standards.

You look bored.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

This is my rapt face.

Only when you talk.

You don't know how to have fun.

Sure I do. Tell me when it starts.

I didn't know "fun" was a synonym for "loud."

You're right, I'm outta here.

Religion

God will fuck you up.

https://youtu.be/oWqMaTYRcCA

The Cost of War

When I lost my Alice Pack, the Marine Corp charged me $285. That's when I finally understood why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Rose

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Self Service

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

Five O'clock

A tail gunner was being court-martialed. “What did you hear in your headset?” demanded a superior officer.

“Well,” replied the airman. “I heard my squadron leader holler, ‘Enemy planes at 5 o’clock!”

“What action did you take?’ persisted another officer.

“Why, sir,” replied the gunner, “I just sat back and waited. It was only 4:30.”