Religion

God will fuck you up.

https://youtu.be/oWqMaTYRcCA

The Cost of War

When I lost my Alice Pack, the Marine Corp charged me $285. That's when I finally understood why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Rose

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Self Service

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

Five O'clock

A tail gunner was being court-martialed. “What did you hear in your headset?” demanded a superior officer.

“Well,” replied the airman. “I heard my squadron leader holler, ‘Enemy planes at 5 o’clock!”

“What action did you take?’ persisted another officer.

“Why, sir,” replied the gunner, “I just sat back and waited. It was only 4:30.”

Sign Your Name

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him.

The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT.

Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said:

I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.

I Feel Like a Baby

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the old people's home one day when one of them, Tim, turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?"

John replied "I feel just like a new born baby"

Tim looked at him startled "A new born baby, really?"

"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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Smile For The DMV Photo

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "that's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Permanent Wave

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.

He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.

She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can.

She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished.

He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Ads Permanent Wave."

Heavenly Fights

Pow!

Fair Game

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the boy.
"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"

The boy nodded in agreement. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him insulting names. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes. The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach dumb, or stupid, or worse, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother and father."

Spaghetti

For two years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how would he know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, nine months later, he come home to his confused wife. “Honey!”, she said “you received a very strange post card today.” He said ‘just give it to me and I will explain later’. She watched as he read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Three with meatballs, two without…send extra sauce.

Three Men and the Devil

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and a carpenter, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. The three men soon found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The carpenter then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The carpenter then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the carpenter, "it's from my a$$h0le." And the carpenter went to heaven.

The Sound Of Thunder

A small boy is woken by a huge crash of thunder. He runs into his parents’ room, where his father comforts him. ‘Don’t be afraid of the thunder,’ he says. ‘It’s just a noise that God makes when someone tells a lie.’ ‘But why is it thundering now?’ asks the boy. ‘It’s the middle of the night and everyone is asleep.’ I know,’ replies father. ‘But it’s around this time that they start to print the newspapers.’

Never Mind

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Arkansas joke.

The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm from Arkansas. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's from Arkansas, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's from Arkansas, too! Now, do you still want to tell your Arkansas joke?"

The guy says, "Nah."

To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are ya chicken?"

The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times."

Just Kidding

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"