Dieting Tips

Here is perhaps the most crucial tip for folks who are following every cockamamie diet plan they hear of and still can't lose weight:

Stop cramming shit in your face!

As long as you keep cramming everything you see into your mouth it will keep adding inches to your belly, chin and ass.

Dumb ass.

There. Now you can't say you haven't been told.

Snappy answers to stupid questions

Why are you so quiet?

I'm listening to the voices in my head.

Somebody has to be.

I'm studying to be a mime.

Smile!

Why?

I can't. Tragic Botox incident.

I will when you go away.

Why are you always so serious?

I'm only serious on the outside. I'm partying on the inside.

Always? Have you been stalking me?

Because the universe is expanding, and if it's expanding, someday it will break apart and that would be the end of everything!

Are you mad?

No, just eccentric.

Why, what have you done?

Not yet.

Do you hate people?

Not all people.

Only people who ask me that question.

No, they're delicious with a nice Chianti. (Thanks Hannibal Lecter.)

Are you a snob?

No, I'm a slob. That must have been a typo.

Of course not. I'm here, aren't I?

No, I pride myself on my low standards.

You look bored.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

This is my rapt face.

Only when you talk.

You don't know how to have fun.

Sure I do. Tell me when it starts.

I didn't know "fun" was a synonym for "loud."

You're right, I'm outta here.